Today

This evening i chat with you in msn.
You said you just came back from Kuantan.
I asked you bout your photo in facebook.
I told you that you must always smile.
As i wanna off soon, i told you to be happy always.
And you reply me, 'you too'.
At that time, i really wanna reply you, how can i be happy without you by my side?
I know i cant reply you in that way.
But i couldnt bring myself to answer you, 'yes i will'.
So i decided not to reply.
Instead, i said something else.

How much i wish i can tell you that i still love you.
How much i wish i can ask you for another chance.
I scare that if i ask you now, you will say no again.
But i am more afraid if i ask din ask you now, maybe later you will no longer have me in your mind and heart.

I dont really wish to update my blog.
Coz i really love my previous post.
Maybe coz that is what i really wanted to say out loud.
Maybe coz that is what i kept in my heart all this time.

That is my 1st post that i used chinese to blog for so long.
I mean a long post.

I really feel that i cant survive without him by my side.
I have never thought that people could really feel like dying if her significant other is not by her side.
I could feel it now.
Even though i am still alive, i feel like i am dying every single day.
It is very hard for me to smile in front of people now.
Whenever i am smiling, i feel like i am deceiving everyone.

I hate myself for being such a loser.
I really hate it.
But it seems that there is no way for me to overcome it.

I am such a loser.
I hate myself.